Fantasy Football Week 5 Predictions

Disclaimer, fairly offensive content below. If you are easily offended you are in the wrong league and should go fuck a donkey, but not Swamp Donkey, he finds love this week

Funky Town Puppet Pimps (2-2) – River Rats (2-2)

Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps may win: River Rats loses their top receiver this week and doesn’t really have anyone to fill in. Pennington filled in nicely last week for Delhomme, but will have to face a thriving NY Giants defense that made McNabb look like the bitch he is last week.

Why River Rats may win: The Raven’s D should be able to finally live up to their preseason hype when they face the struggling 49er’s. Manning will be his normal self picking and choosing receivers just like he does his trannies.

What will happen: FTPP has the fire power to pull it off, but the coaching sucks. They made a terrible error last week in not backing up their starting running back. Their coach must snort blow off of hookers asses all week long to pull off something like that. River Rats doesn’t have much to hope for this week. Look for Cleveland to stop Morris. River Rats won’t have much more going offensively besides Manning. If the FTPP coach can stop banging Shetland ponies with tranny midgets on them wearing clown outfits in Amish country they’ll sail past River Rats and never look back, but that’s a big if.

Final Prediction: FTPP 111 … River Rats 74

Ass Crust (4-0) – Knuckinfutz (1-3)

Why Ass Crust may win: Carson Palmer put up over 40 points on Cleveland, look for Brady to decimate them. James should run easily through the Rams D like an oiled up 3 year old at a Nambla convention and find the end zone multiple times.

Why Knuckinfutz may win: He’s got a fat naked dude doing the wave for his logo, how fucked up is that? Matt Shaub faces a terrible Miami D. The only person that will score more this weekend than Houston on Miami is Peck’s mother. Sean Alexander should find room to run against the Steelers also known as the Super Gay Cock Gobblers. Holmes is coming off a huge week and is looking to pad those numbers.

What will happen: Three words, Ass Crust Curse.

Final Predication: Ass Crust 122 … Knuckinfutz 69

Swamp Donkey (1-3) – Plumbdumb (3-1)

Why Swamp Donkey may win: Steve Smith’s more pissed off than Mr. T’s ever been at Murdock and he’s going to prove it. He’s about ready to punch Peck’s mother in the face but he doesn’t want to risk her biting off his cock. Steve Smith will put up the points and then rape an 80 year old lady in the end zone to prove how pissed he’s off. It won’t be a loving raping but an angry bitch I’m going to break your hip raping.

Why Plumbdumb may win: As dumb as this guy wants everyone to think he is, it’s all just a façade; he’s got a PhD in Shitology and knows how to use it. Thank god McNabb’s got a bye this week because he got hammered last week. Hasselbeck will step in this week and provide some solid numbers tearing apart the Steelers. LT is going to stroll in the Bronco’s stadium, shit on the Bronco’s logo and then tear off 120 yards and 2 touchdowns, but if that doesn’t happen it’s because Bond’s used all of LT’s roids.

What will happen: Homosexual love fest. Ohio approves gay marriage and Swamp Donkey and Plumbdumb tie the knot and then tear each others up.

Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 107 … Plumbdumb 98

Poop (3-1) – E-Dub Gangsta’s (1-3)

Why Poop may win: Romo pulls out his man junk and shoves it down Buffalos throat. Randy Moss will be the MVP of the year and Meadows will eat ass for trading him.

Why E-Dub Gangsta’s may win: Favre told me he hates Chicago. Only thing he hates more than Chicago is Meadows ugly pear shaped ass. Dwayne Bowe pays off big this week. Reggie Bush decides mounts a Katrina Relief effort and gives the Saints a win, but not before looting the local Quickie Mart.

What will happen: Explosive diarrhea. Poop sprays down E-Dub. Romo comes out guns a blazing. Favre shows Chicago how much he hates them and Oprah, that fat pig that makes husbands miserable their entire life. Fuck you Oprah, it’s not my fault I like strippers and booze, go eat a Hostess cupcake you dirty whore!!

Final Prediction: Poop 130 … E-Dub Gangsta’s 101

Glass Bottom Boats (0-4) – Erie Warriors (3-1) UPSET ALERT

Why Glass Bottom Boats may win: Do I really have to put something here? Is it even worth it? After this week we should see a fire sale coming. However, now that I’ve actually looked at his team he has some very favorable matchups and should be able to pull off a win.

Why Erie Warriors may win: TO along with Braylon Edwards will have a big day. I’m tired and I’m not typing any more reasons.

Final Prediction: Glass Bottom Boats 107 … Erie Warrriors 102