Week 10 is here. The playoffs are in site and teams are scrambling to make the cut. On the cuff we find FTPP, River Rats and Swamp Donkey. Teams that already have their invite are Ass Crust, Plumbdumb, Erie Warriors and Poop.
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (5-4) - Glass Bottom Boats (2-7)
Why FTPP will win: Big Ben hurt his hip last week while tea bagging the Raven's defense, but he'll be just fine. Look for a lot through the air from him since Cleveland will come out fighting. Mush brain McGahee should have a solid running game if he can stop drooling on himself after that hit he took to the head.
Why Glass Bottom Boats will win: Every week I have to try and think of something to say and I usually come up short. However, this week they play the role of spoiler. FTPP is in the hunt for the playoffs but Glass Bottom Boats wants to dash those hopes like a mother stuffing her boob away from a hungry infant or a fucked up father.
What will happen: For the second week in a row FTPP will see his team collapse and not produce. Jennings and Big Ben will be his only hope and it won't enough. Glass Bottom Boats will capitalize on those mistakes and come up with a close one. To celebrate he'll hire a hooker only to find out it's a tranny but in desperation he won't send her packing.
Final Prediction: FTPP 89 ... Glass Bottom Boats 93
Ass Crust (9-0) - Plumbdumb (7-2)
Why Ass Crust will win: Marshawn Motherfucking Lynch will play all positions for the Bills. Reggie Wayne will come out huge against the Chargers. After two touchdowns he'll go into the stands and finger pop all the Chargers player's wives.
Why Plumbdumb will win: Ass Crust has a lot of his talent on bye, but even with them this game would be a challenge. Hasselbeck faces the 49er's who we all know is the drunk abusive boyfriend of the NFL right now, that likes to come out swinging and not hit a damn thing then pass out on the floor and shit themselves while the girlfriend tells the police that she loves him and he's the babies daddy.
What will happen: Don't let Ass Crust's loss of Brady for this week fool you. His lineup has soft matchups and all of his players should be able to go big. Plumbdumb will have the lead most of the day but Ass Crust will creep back into late in the game.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 107 ... Plumbdumb 103
Swamp Donkey (4-5) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-8)
Why Swamp Donkey will win: His focus is on clinching a playoff spot and a win this week will move him that much closer. Usually I write something about Steve Smith being mad and coming back, but let's face it, the rest of Swamp Donkey's team will have to come up big to carry him. Barber will be a beat again this week.
Why E-Dub will win: He won't. He barely has enough players to cover is byes this week. I guess if Swamp Donkey sat his whole team he may win, but I say may win.
What will happen: E-Dub will be wearing a ball gag and have a studded dildo in his ass the whole game. He'll claim the lowest score of the year this week. Swamp Donkey will creep closer to FTPP and possibly tie him in the league. Then they'll both go pick daisies together and enjoy a tall lukewarm glass of milk while staring lovingly into each other's eyes.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 97 ... E-Dub Gangsta's 39
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-8) - River Rats (3-6)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: He's got nothing to lose, but he also doesn't have a QB. Curtis will finally come back from the dead and Witten will be a key playemaker against the Giants.
Why River Rats will win: Peyton I'm An Endorsement Whore Manning. TJ My Ego Is A Better Receiver Than Me Houshsomethingicantspell. Hines Not The Ketchup Ward. Lamont I Wish I Was Michael Jordan. Maurice I Have Two Last Names Because My Momma Fucked A Lot Of Guys and Doesn't Know Who My Daddy Is Jones-Drew.
What will happen: A fucking spelling B. That's right I said a spelling B. Spell Ursprache motherfuckers, I barely could type that shit. Or how about autochthonous, shit I don't even know what that means. Antediluvian, does that mean you are against diluvian, what is diluvian and why the fuck are you against it? Staphylococci, is that a cross breed between a staph infection and broccoli? Milieu, kinda sounds like some kind of emotion, I'm milieu about this week's predictions. Holy shit, milieu has to do with a person's socal setting or environment, maybe that's it. And finally, vivisepulture. Can you use that in a sentence please? River Rats will vivisepulture Knuckinfutz. Look up the meaning fuckers en.wiktionary.org/wiki/vivisepulture.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 58 ... River Rats 94
Poop (6-3) - Erie Warriors (7-2)
Why Poop will win: Does he even have a player that doesn't put up eight billion points? Does he have a player that hasn't seen the endzone? I can't even pick a player to point out how good they are because they all are good. ADP just put up a league record and I'm 60% positive he wasn't hopped up on coke, meth, roids or pixie sticks when he did it. Westbrook eats bullets for breakfast and shits razorblades. Lewis hurt his foot a few weeks back, cut it off, sowed on a corpse one from Paul Bunion and then raped half of the women at the Women's Shelter in downtown Cleveland and they still love him.
Why Erie Warriors will win: I hate Clinton Portis so I won't say anything good about him. Addai put up astounding numbers against the Patriots, he'll crush the Chargers. Braylon Edwards, that piece of shit Michigan Wolverine has been going crazy. Besides being gay, HIV positive and a scat lover he's one hell of a wide receiver.
What will happen: Game of the Week. It'll be a battle. This is like Abe Lincoln and George Washington hot oil wrestling. So strange but you know you'll watch it. Each are already in the playoffs but they'd still like that first round bye. I'm so good at predicting that I'm going to say this will either be a blowout or a close game.
Final Prediction: Poop Please Fill In Score Here ... Erie Warriors Please Fill In Score Here
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