Thursday, November 15, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
It Ain't Over
Illinios beat Ohio State last Saturday. It sucks. Championship hopes are pretty much gone.
They could give up and start looking to next year with the talent the Buckeyes are returning, but it's Michigan week. Some are even predicting the Buckeyes will come to Ann Arbor hungover. They are wrong. It's redemption time. It's time for the Buckeyes to hit like a freight train.
This game isn't about a Big Ten Championship. It's not about the Rose Bowl. This is the greatest rivalry ever. It's a mixture of hatred and respect. It's about hard hits and big plays.
Focus Buckeye's. Victory is in sight. Hit Henne and Hart with everything. Send Lloyd Carr packing. Tint the field red with Wolverine blood. This is your week. Let's let the Wolverines know that we own their house.
Lease is up bitches, it's time to move out.
They could give up and start looking to next year with the talent the Buckeyes are returning, but it's Michigan week. Some are even predicting the Buckeyes will come to Ann Arbor hungover. They are wrong. It's redemption time. It's time for the Buckeyes to hit like a freight train.
This game isn't about a Big Ten Championship. It's not about the Rose Bowl. This is the greatest rivalry ever. It's a mixture of hatred and respect. It's about hard hits and big plays.
Focus Buckeye's. Victory is in sight. Hit Henne and Hart with everything. Send Lloyd Carr packing. Tint the field red with Wolverine blood. This is your week. Let's let the Wolverines know that we own their house.
Lease is up bitches, it's time to move out.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Disclaimer
For those of you who've come here for real advice on weekly match ups and player profiles, you've come to the wrong place. This is purely entertainment. I am in no way an expert on the NFL or the players within the NFL.
Furthermore, if you love this politically correct world we live in then you are most certainly going to hate the way I write. Most predictions will be rude, crass, and contains a fair amount of foul language. Some may even include midgets, retards, booze, hookers and an occasional pony. Put all 5 of those together at once and you are either in for one hell of a night or your going to lose a kidney.
So with that, enjoy.
Furthermore, if you love this politically correct world we live in then you are most certainly going to hate the way I write. Most predictions will be rude, crass, and contains a fair amount of foul language. Some may even include midgets, retards, booze, hookers and an occasional pony. Put all 5 of those together at once and you are either in for one hell of a night or your going to lose a kidney.
So with that, enjoy.
NFL Predictions Week 10
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Big Ben's loss of his appendix last year has made him faster this year. I swear by it. Look at how composed he was against the Raven's. He tore them apart. Look for him to do the same with the Browns this weekend. Harrison made McNair eat his ass all game long last week and Anderson should get a heaping helping of him this week. By the way, am I the only one that thought McNair looked fat last week? Cut back the cheetos and beer man!!!
Braylon Edwards was caught doing OHIO at a game earlier this year. That's right, a former Wolverine doing OHIO. What has this world come to? Well here's a message to you Mr. Edwards, we Buckeye fans don't want you in our fan base! Go back to Ann Arbor!
Who is this Derek Anderson I keep hearing about? Supposedly this guy is proving to be one hell of a quarterback. Brady Quinn who? He'll air it out this week but the Steelers D will keep him in check.
This folks is going to be a slug fest. The only thing better to watch would be tag team corn oil wrestling with each team having a pig as a partner. God damn that would be awesome to watch, FOX, take note, this is my reality tv show so don't steal it bitches!
The Steelers dominated the Browns earlier this season. They will try to do the same but expect a much more refined Brown's team to put up a fight. Rumor has it that Steelers head coach sent a case of cupcakes laced with Rohypnol to ensure the win.
Steelers 28 ... Browns 14
Philadelphia at Washington
Oh how I hate the Redskins. I used to live in the DC area and those fans are crazy, but the Eagles fans may be more so, and dangerous. Hopefully one of them can pop Campbell in the back of the head with a battery.
Westbrook is going to walk onto FedEx field, go up to Joe Gibbs and nutt check him before the game even gets started. What's Joe going to do? Nothing, no one can ever rebound quickly for a well placed nutt check, that shit's lethal, Superman couldn't even rebound, nutt checks and kryptonite fuck him up.
McNabb has been hit and miss all season, usually miss when I need him to come up huge in my fantasy football league but that's another story. The Redskins D should cause him so many problems that by the end of the game he'll be talking to his attorneys about a restraining order that won't allow them within 100 yards of him. The only problem is he'll still probably end up tackling himself.
What happened to Santana Moss this season? Is he even on the team anymore? Last I heard he hurt his foot while doing the electric slide at the Goldberg Bar Mitzvah.
So really this game will come down to Portis vs. Westbrook. Who would you rather have in street brawl? That's right, I'd choose Michael Vick too, but he's going to prison so he's not an option, so I'll go with Westbrook. He'll be the difference maker in this game with at least two touchdowns and over 120 yards rushing.
Eagles 24 ... Redskins 20
Atlanta at Carolina
Steve Smith will be playing quarterback this week and throwing to himself since none of the quarterback's on the Panthers team seem to be able to find him. Testeverde will poo poo all over the field this week.
Joey Harrington, what man goes by Joey anymore? I haven't heard someone called Joey since Full House was on. Did you know Lance Armstrong is banging one of the Olsen twins? How fucked up is that? Doesn't he have kids that could be their nanny? Anyways, Harrington should be able to put up decent numbers this week against a struggling Carolina team that has very little offense.
Atlanta 20 ... Carolina 14
St. Louis at New Orleans
Hi, I'm Drew Brees and I like to plays footsball. He's back. Yes I've said it, he's finally playing like a top QB. Sure he struggled the first few games but look for him to finish strong.
This folks is going to be ugly. I mean Hillary Clinton ugly:
You know she just finished say, "You shut your whore mouth when men are speaking!".
The Saints are going to tear the Rams apart. After they get done, they'll kill old people just for fun and rob Girl Scouts.
St Louis 10 ... New Orleans 47
Buffalo at Miami
I'm not even going to say anything good about Miami. I'm not even sure if there is anything good to say. They have warm weather? It's a good place for old people to live? Nude beaches? I give up.
Lynch, Evans and Losman are going to have some fun this week. They face another defense that couldn't stop Pee Wee Herman from scoring on them, although they may like that. Lynch and Evans both had an outstanding week against the Bengals.
Buffalo rolls this week and dominates the Dolphins.
Buffalo 28 ... Miami 7
Remainder coming soon...
Denver at Kansas City
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Minnesota at Green Bay
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at NY Giants
Detroit at Arizona
Chicago at Oakland
Indianapolis at San Diego
Big Ben's loss of his appendix last year has made him faster this year. I swear by it. Look at how composed he was against the Raven's. He tore them apart. Look for him to do the same with the Browns this weekend. Harrison made McNair eat his ass all game long last week and Anderson should get a heaping helping of him this week. By the way, am I the only one that thought McNair looked fat last week? Cut back the cheetos and beer man!!!
Braylon Edwards was caught doing OHIO at a game earlier this year. That's right, a former Wolverine doing OHIO. What has this world come to? Well here's a message to you Mr. Edwards, we Buckeye fans don't want you in our fan base! Go back to Ann Arbor!
Who is this Derek Anderson I keep hearing about? Supposedly this guy is proving to be one hell of a quarterback. Brady Quinn who? He'll air it out this week but the Steelers D will keep him in check.
This folks is going to be a slug fest. The only thing better to watch would be tag team corn oil wrestling with each team having a pig as a partner. God damn that would be awesome to watch, FOX, take note, this is my reality tv show so don't steal it bitches!
The Steelers dominated the Browns earlier this season. They will try to do the same but expect a much more refined Brown's team to put up a fight. Rumor has it that Steelers head coach sent a case of cupcakes laced with Rohypnol to ensure the win.
Steelers 28 ... Browns 14
Philadelphia at Washington
Oh how I hate the Redskins. I used to live in the DC area and those fans are crazy, but the Eagles fans may be more so, and dangerous. Hopefully one of them can pop Campbell in the back of the head with a battery.
Westbrook is going to walk onto FedEx field, go up to Joe Gibbs and nutt check him before the game even gets started. What's Joe going to do? Nothing, no one can ever rebound quickly for a well placed nutt check, that shit's lethal, Superman couldn't even rebound, nutt checks and kryptonite fuck him up.
McNabb has been hit and miss all season, usually miss when I need him to come up huge in my fantasy football league but that's another story. The Redskins D should cause him so many problems that by the end of the game he'll be talking to his attorneys about a restraining order that won't allow them within 100 yards of him. The only problem is he'll still probably end up tackling himself.
What happened to Santana Moss this season? Is he even on the team anymore? Last I heard he hurt his foot while doing the electric slide at the Goldberg Bar Mitzvah.
So really this game will come down to Portis vs. Westbrook. Who would you rather have in street brawl? That's right, I'd choose Michael Vick too, but he's going to prison so he's not an option, so I'll go with Westbrook. He'll be the difference maker in this game with at least two touchdowns and over 120 yards rushing.
Eagles 24 ... Redskins 20
Atlanta at Carolina
Steve Smith will be playing quarterback this week and throwing to himself since none of the quarterback's on the Panthers team seem to be able to find him. Testeverde will poo poo all over the field this week.
Joey Harrington, what man goes by Joey anymore? I haven't heard someone called Joey since Full House was on. Did you know Lance Armstrong is banging one of the Olsen twins? How fucked up is that? Doesn't he have kids that could be their nanny? Anyways, Harrington should be able to put up decent numbers this week against a struggling Carolina team that has very little offense.
Atlanta 20 ... Carolina 14
St. Louis at New Orleans
Hi, I'm Drew Brees and I like to plays footsball. He's back. Yes I've said it, he's finally playing like a top QB. Sure he struggled the first few games but look for him to finish strong.
This folks is going to be ugly. I mean Hillary Clinton ugly:
You know she just finished say, "You shut your whore mouth when men are speaking!".
The Saints are going to tear the Rams apart. After they get done, they'll kill old people just for fun and rob Girl Scouts.
St Louis 10 ... New Orleans 47
Buffalo at Miami
I'm not even going to say anything good about Miami. I'm not even sure if there is anything good to say. They have warm weather? It's a good place for old people to live? Nude beaches? I give up.
Lynch, Evans and Losman are going to have some fun this week. They face another defense that couldn't stop Pee Wee Herman from scoring on them, although they may like that. Lynch and Evans both had an outstanding week against the Bengals.
Buffalo rolls this week and dominates the Dolphins.
Buffalo 28 ... Miami 7
Remainder coming soon...
Denver at Kansas City
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Minnesota at Green Bay
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at NY Giants
Detroit at Arizona
Chicago at Oakland
Indianapolis at San Diego
Fantasy Football Week 10 Predictions and a Spelling Bee?
Week 10 is here. The playoffs are in site and teams are scrambling to make the cut. On the cuff we find FTPP, River Rats and Swamp Donkey. Teams that already have their invite are Ass Crust, Plumbdumb, Erie Warriors and Poop.
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (5-4) - Glass Bottom Boats (2-7)
Why FTPP will win: Big Ben hurt his hip last week while tea bagging the Raven's defense, but he'll be just fine. Look for a lot through the air from him since Cleveland will come out fighting. Mush brain McGahee should have a solid running game if he can stop drooling on himself after that hit he took to the head.
Why Glass Bottom Boats will win: Every week I have to try and think of something to say and I usually come up short. However, this week they play the role of spoiler. FTPP is in the hunt for the playoffs but Glass Bottom Boats wants to dash those hopes like a mother stuffing her boob away from a hungry infant or a fucked up father.
What will happen: For the second week in a row FTPP will see his team collapse and not produce. Jennings and Big Ben will be his only hope and it won't enough. Glass Bottom Boats will capitalize on those mistakes and come up with a close one. To celebrate he'll hire a hooker only to find out it's a tranny but in desperation he won't send her packing.
Final Prediction: FTPP 89 ... Glass Bottom Boats 93
Ass Crust (9-0) - Plumbdumb (7-2)
Why Ass Crust will win: Marshawn Motherfucking Lynch will play all positions for the Bills. Reggie Wayne will come out huge against the Chargers. After two touchdowns he'll go into the stands and finger pop all the Chargers player's wives.
Why Plumbdumb will win: Ass Crust has a lot of his talent on bye, but even with them this game would be a challenge. Hasselbeck faces the 49er's who we all know is the drunk abusive boyfriend of the NFL right now, that likes to come out swinging and not hit a damn thing then pass out on the floor and shit themselves while the girlfriend tells the police that she loves him and he's the babies daddy.
What will happen: Don't let Ass Crust's loss of Brady for this week fool you. His lineup has soft matchups and all of his players should be able to go big. Plumbdumb will have the lead most of the day but Ass Crust will creep back into late in the game.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 107 ... Plumbdumb 103
Swamp Donkey (4-5) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-8)
Why Swamp Donkey will win: His focus is on clinching a playoff spot and a win this week will move him that much closer. Usually I write something about Steve Smith being mad and coming back, but let's face it, the rest of Swamp Donkey's team will have to come up big to carry him. Barber will be a beat again this week.
Why E-Dub will win: He won't. He barely has enough players to cover is byes this week. I guess if Swamp Donkey sat his whole team he may win, but I say may win.
What will happen: E-Dub will be wearing a ball gag and have a studded dildo in his ass the whole game. He'll claim the lowest score of the year this week. Swamp Donkey will creep closer to FTPP and possibly tie him in the league. Then they'll both go pick daisies together and enjoy a tall lukewarm glass of milk while staring lovingly into each other's eyes.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 97 ... E-Dub Gangsta's 39
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-8) - River Rats (3-6)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: He's got nothing to lose, but he also doesn't have a QB. Curtis will finally come back from the dead and Witten will be a key playemaker against the Giants.
Why River Rats will win: Peyton I'm An Endorsement Whore Manning. TJ My Ego Is A Better Receiver Than Me Houshsomethingicantspell. Hines Not The Ketchup Ward. Lamont I Wish I Was Michael Jordan. Maurice I Have Two Last Names Because My Momma Fucked A Lot Of Guys and Doesn't Know Who My Daddy Is Jones-Drew.
What will happen: A fucking spelling B. That's right I said a spelling B. Spell Ursprache motherfuckers, I barely could type that shit. Or how about autochthonous, shit I don't even know what that means. Antediluvian, does that mean you are against diluvian, what is diluvian and why the fuck are you against it? Staphylococci, is that a cross breed between a staph infection and broccoli? Milieu, kinda sounds like some kind of emotion, I'm milieu about this week's predictions. Holy shit, milieu has to do with a person's socal setting or environment, maybe that's it. And finally, vivisepulture. Can you use that in a sentence please? River Rats will vivisepulture Knuckinfutz. Look up the meaning fuckers en.wiktionary.org/wiki/vivisepulture.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 58 ... River Rats 94
Poop (6-3) - Erie Warriors (7-2)
Why Poop will win: Does he even have a player that doesn't put up eight billion points? Does he have a player that hasn't seen the endzone? I can't even pick a player to point out how good they are because they all are good. ADP just put up a league record and I'm 60% positive he wasn't hopped up on coke, meth, roids or pixie sticks when he did it. Westbrook eats bullets for breakfast and shits razorblades. Lewis hurt his foot a few weeks back, cut it off, sowed on a corpse one from Paul Bunion and then raped half of the women at the Women's Shelter in downtown Cleveland and they still love him.
Why Erie Warriors will win: I hate Clinton Portis so I won't say anything good about him. Addai put up astounding numbers against the Patriots, he'll crush the Chargers. Braylon Edwards, that piece of shit Michigan Wolverine has been going crazy. Besides being gay, HIV positive and a scat lover he's one hell of a wide receiver.
What will happen: Game of the Week. It'll be a battle. This is like Abe Lincoln and George Washington hot oil wrestling. So strange but you know you'll watch it. Each are already in the playoffs but they'd still like that first round bye. I'm so good at predicting that I'm going to say this will either be a blowout or a close game.
Final Prediction: Poop Please Fill In Score Here ... Erie Warriors Please Fill In Score Here
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (5-4) - Glass Bottom Boats (2-7)
Why FTPP will win: Big Ben hurt his hip last week while tea bagging the Raven's defense, but he'll be just fine. Look for a lot through the air from him since Cleveland will come out fighting. Mush brain McGahee should have a solid running game if he can stop drooling on himself after that hit he took to the head.
Why Glass Bottom Boats will win: Every week I have to try and think of something to say and I usually come up short. However, this week they play the role of spoiler. FTPP is in the hunt for the playoffs but Glass Bottom Boats wants to dash those hopes like a mother stuffing her boob away from a hungry infant or a fucked up father.
What will happen: For the second week in a row FTPP will see his team collapse and not produce. Jennings and Big Ben will be his only hope and it won't enough. Glass Bottom Boats will capitalize on those mistakes and come up with a close one. To celebrate he'll hire a hooker only to find out it's a tranny but in desperation he won't send her packing.
Final Prediction: FTPP 89 ... Glass Bottom Boats 93
Ass Crust (9-0) - Plumbdumb (7-2)
Why Ass Crust will win: Marshawn Motherfucking Lynch will play all positions for the Bills. Reggie Wayne will come out huge against the Chargers. After two touchdowns he'll go into the stands and finger pop all the Chargers player's wives.
Why Plumbdumb will win: Ass Crust has a lot of his talent on bye, but even with them this game would be a challenge. Hasselbeck faces the 49er's who we all know is the drunk abusive boyfriend of the NFL right now, that likes to come out swinging and not hit a damn thing then pass out on the floor and shit themselves while the girlfriend tells the police that she loves him and he's the babies daddy.
What will happen: Don't let Ass Crust's loss of Brady for this week fool you. His lineup has soft matchups and all of his players should be able to go big. Plumbdumb will have the lead most of the day but Ass Crust will creep back into late in the game.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 107 ... Plumbdumb 103
Swamp Donkey (4-5) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-8)
Why Swamp Donkey will win: His focus is on clinching a playoff spot and a win this week will move him that much closer. Usually I write something about Steve Smith being mad and coming back, but let's face it, the rest of Swamp Donkey's team will have to come up big to carry him. Barber will be a beat again this week.
Why E-Dub will win: He won't. He barely has enough players to cover is byes this week. I guess if Swamp Donkey sat his whole team he may win, but I say may win.
What will happen: E-Dub will be wearing a ball gag and have a studded dildo in his ass the whole game. He'll claim the lowest score of the year this week. Swamp Donkey will creep closer to FTPP and possibly tie him in the league. Then they'll both go pick daisies together and enjoy a tall lukewarm glass of milk while staring lovingly into each other's eyes.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 97 ... E-Dub Gangsta's 39
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-8) - River Rats (3-6)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: He's got nothing to lose, but he also doesn't have a QB. Curtis will finally come back from the dead and Witten will be a key playemaker against the Giants.
Why River Rats will win: Peyton I'm An Endorsement Whore Manning. TJ My Ego Is A Better Receiver Than Me Houshsomethingicantspell. Hines Not The Ketchup Ward. Lamont I Wish I Was Michael Jordan. Maurice I Have Two Last Names Because My Momma Fucked A Lot Of Guys and Doesn't Know Who My Daddy Is Jones-Drew.
What will happen: A fucking spelling B. That's right I said a spelling B. Spell Ursprache motherfuckers, I barely could type that shit. Or how about autochthonous, shit I don't even know what that means. Antediluvian, does that mean you are against diluvian, what is diluvian and why the fuck are you against it? Staphylococci, is that a cross breed between a staph infection and broccoli? Milieu, kinda sounds like some kind of emotion, I'm milieu about this week's predictions. Holy shit, milieu has to do with a person's socal setting or environment, maybe that's it. And finally, vivisepulture. Can you use that in a sentence please? River Rats will vivisepulture Knuckinfutz. Look up the meaning fuckers en.wiktionary.org/wiki/vivisepulture.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 58 ... River Rats 94
Poop (6-3) - Erie Warriors (7-2)
Why Poop will win: Does he even have a player that doesn't put up eight billion points? Does he have a player that hasn't seen the endzone? I can't even pick a player to point out how good they are because they all are good. ADP just put up a league record and I'm 60% positive he wasn't hopped up on coke, meth, roids or pixie sticks when he did it. Westbrook eats bullets for breakfast and shits razorblades. Lewis hurt his foot a few weeks back, cut it off, sowed on a corpse one from Paul Bunion and then raped half of the women at the Women's Shelter in downtown Cleveland and they still love him.
Why Erie Warriors will win: I hate Clinton Portis so I won't say anything good about him. Addai put up astounding numbers against the Patriots, he'll crush the Chargers. Braylon Edwards, that piece of shit Michigan Wolverine has been going crazy. Besides being gay, HIV positive and a scat lover he's one hell of a wide receiver.
What will happen: Game of the Week. It'll be a battle. This is like Abe Lincoln and George Washington hot oil wrestling. So strange but you know you'll watch it. Each are already in the playoffs but they'd still like that first round bye. I'm so good at predicting that I'm going to say this will either be a blowout or a close game.
Final Prediction: Poop Please Fill In Score Here ... Erie Warriors Please Fill In Score Here
Fantasy Football Week 9 Predictions Update Near Death Experience
What's that I hear? A heartbeat. A faint one but yet a distinct heartbeat. Shallow breathing. Somehow FTPP has escaped a near death experience. They've seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have fought their way back into a possible, not probable, win this weekend.
They've pulled themselves off life support with the help of Ben Roethlisberger, Kevin Jones and Greg Jennings. Big Ben has inserted a breathing tube, Jones is doing chest compressions and Jennings is the worried little wife standing in the corner.
We have been forced to move this matchup from a Slaughter alert to Game of the Week. It's going to be magical. It's going to have all the pageantry of a cross between Dancing with Stars and Dog the Bounty Hunter throwing the N word around. This is going to be better than drunk topless female midget coleslaw wrestling. Fat chicks eating vomit couldn't out match this match up, well maybe. I'm filling up just thinking about it.
You have two top notch QB's blasting away. One a complete homosexual that plays for the Steelers, the other could bang Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson until they were all retarded and crippled and still put up 50 points in the same hour. Edge Ass Crust.
The running backs are sensational. James and Lynch. McGahee and Jones. Look for the Steelers to do this to McGahee, www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSySFNv9xNE, while Jones will put up great numbers. Lynch will run freely on the Bengals and James should have a pretty solid day. Edge Ass Crust.
Then we've got the wide receives. A glaring whole in FTPP's lineup. There's not much depth there but don't be surprised if some sleepers show studdly flashes this week. On the other side of the ball, Ass Crust is loaded. Wayne and Boldin should both have great games. Wayne may have a bit more of a struggle against an amazing New England defense but Manning should be able to find him plenty. Warner and Boldin work well together and Tampa Bay should give them plenty of opportunities. Edge: Ass Crust
We won't even discuss kickers. Gostkowski is solid this year.
The glaring whole for Ass Crust this week is Defense. He's taking a chance on a long shot Falson D holding a struggling 49er's offense. FTPP's Jaguars should be solid this week.
Well folks. It'll all come down to which players show up this week and which ones are out robbing liquor stores. Fortunately Chris Henry isn't playing in this one or we'd have to put out an APB for him.
Ass Crust still has a pretty good chance of locking up the first week bye this week but it's not going to be the walk in the park as previously expected. Damn modern medicine. Damn life support. And damn that faint heartbeat I'm hearing.
Final Updated Prediction: FTPP 107 ... Ass Crust 124
FEAR THE CRUST
They've pulled themselves off life support with the help of Ben Roethlisberger, Kevin Jones and Greg Jennings. Big Ben has inserted a breathing tube, Jones is doing chest compressions and Jennings is the worried little wife standing in the corner.
We have been forced to move this matchup from a Slaughter alert to Game of the Week. It's going to be magical. It's going to have all the pageantry of a cross between Dancing with Stars and Dog the Bounty Hunter throwing the N word around. This is going to be better than drunk topless female midget coleslaw wrestling. Fat chicks eating vomit couldn't out match this match up, well maybe. I'm filling up just thinking about it.
You have two top notch QB's blasting away. One a complete homosexual that plays for the Steelers, the other could bang Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson until they were all retarded and crippled and still put up 50 points in the same hour. Edge Ass Crust.
The running backs are sensational. James and Lynch. McGahee and Jones. Look for the Steelers to do this to McGahee, www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSySFNv9xNE, while Jones will put up great numbers. Lynch will run freely on the Bengals and James should have a pretty solid day. Edge Ass Crust.
Then we've got the wide receives. A glaring whole in FTPP's lineup. There's not much depth there but don't be surprised if some sleepers show studdly flashes this week. On the other side of the ball, Ass Crust is loaded. Wayne and Boldin should both have great games. Wayne may have a bit more of a struggle against an amazing New England defense but Manning should be able to find him plenty. Warner and Boldin work well together and Tampa Bay should give them plenty of opportunities. Edge: Ass Crust
We won't even discuss kickers. Gostkowski is solid this year.
The glaring whole for Ass Crust this week is Defense. He's taking a chance on a long shot Falson D holding a struggling 49er's offense. FTPP's Jaguars should be solid this week.
Well folks. It'll all come down to which players show up this week and which ones are out robbing liquor stores. Fortunately Chris Henry isn't playing in this one or we'd have to put out an APB for him.
Ass Crust still has a pretty good chance of locking up the first week bye this week but it's not going to be the walk in the park as previously expected. Damn modern medicine. Damn life support. And damn that faint heartbeat I'm hearing.
Final Updated Prediction: FTPP 107 ... Ass Crust 124
FEAR THE CRUST
Week 9 Predictions
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (5-3) - Ass Crust (8-0) Slaughter Alert
Why Ass Crust will win: Brady finally has a tough match up and may not put up 40 but he'll still be solid and we all know Peyton Manning sucks Brady off. James and Lynch should run wild like a couple of pedophiles running after the school bus.
Why FTPP will win: Brees has been on fire and Westbrook is lighting (Editor's Note, Brees and Westbrook weren't playing because FTPP had to bench them since he lost a bet to Ass Crust)...wait wait wait, they aren't playing. Let's start over. Why FTPP will lose: First of all, he's already Ass Crust's bitch. Secondly, he doesn't have enough depth to cover for Westbrook and Brees. Kenny Watson isn't starting. He's so desparate at this point he'll suck your dick for a RB.
What will happen: Ass Crust should lock in their first round bye this week with a solid win. FTPP will call up his boyfriend Poop because he'll need the comforting touch of a man. Brady will throw touchdowns back and forth forever.
Final Prediction: FTPP 79 ... Ass Crust 139
Swamp Donkey (3-5) - River Rats (3-5) Cage Match of the Week
Why Swamp Donkey will win: Culter will have much better success against the Lions that Griese did. Steve Smith is one pissed off motherfucker yet again. Not to mention Willie Parker has been eating eating opposing defenses and shiting out Jerry's Kids.
Why River Rats will win: Is the NE D good enough to stop Manning? River Rats better hope not, or maybe he should since he's playing both. Talk about being fucking conflicted. How do you even root for that game? Well somehow they'll both be solid. TJ go big and wish Chad Johnson good luck with his new team next year.
What will happen: This will be like two bums kicking each others asses over a pack of smokes and a bottle of Mad Dog. Both are fighting for a spot in the playoffs, not to mention one will gain ground on FTPP this week since he will lose. This will be close. The difference will be that Steve Smith will once again be a dud without a solid QB.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 110 ... River Rats 113
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-7) - Poop (5-3)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: Curtis, Holmes and Welker will all have solid games. Garcia is improving every week and this will be a huge week for him. Rumor has it Knuckinfutz hired retarded midget hookers for Poop's team to distract them all week in practice.
Why Poop will win: Romo will face a tough Phillie D but he'll be able to pick them apart. Moss, Peterson and Gates will be the difference makers this week. The retarded midget hookers had no effect on Poop's team since they are all gay pedophiles.
What will happen: Better luck next time Knuckinfutz. Knuckinfutz has some talent and Gore isn't really getting things done lately, but I just don't see him being able to overcome Poop.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 99 ... Poop 117
E-Dub Gangsta's (1-7) - Erie Warriors (6-2)
Why E-Dub will win: This should be the week his team comes together as long as he sets the lineup, but since I have no idea what he's going to do I'll just say that Favre will get it done.
Why Erie Warriors will win: Stacked with WR talent. Anderson is quickly becoming a top QB. Word has it E-Dub's players are all high on twizzlers and popcorn balls after they went out as the Seven Dwarfs on Halloween.
What will happen: E-Dub crashes from the sugar high. Erie Warriors gives them a dirty sanchez and then finishes off with a cleveland steamer.
Final Prediction: E-Dub 75 ... Erie Warriors 111
Glass Bottom Boats (2-6) Plumbdumb (6-2)
Why Glass Bottom Boats will win: I really want to give you reasons why, but damn this is uglier than an older ladie in a scat video, which sometimes is hot.
Why Plumbdumb will win: LT and Galloway will all that he needs to win.
What will happen: Check please. Glass Bottom Boats is done. This won't be pretty. Think bloody diarhea mixed with vomit and corn nuts.
Final Prediction: Glass Bottom Boats 56 ... Plumbdumb 104
Why Ass Crust will win: Brady finally has a tough match up and may not put up 40 but he'll still be solid and we all know Peyton Manning sucks Brady off. James and Lynch should run wild like a couple of pedophiles running after the school bus.
Why FTPP will win: Brees has been on fire and Westbrook is lighting (Editor's Note, Brees and Westbrook weren't playing because FTPP had to bench them since he lost a bet to Ass Crust)...wait wait wait, they aren't playing. Let's start over. Why FTPP will lose: First of all, he's already Ass Crust's bitch. Secondly, he doesn't have enough depth to cover for Westbrook and Brees. Kenny Watson isn't starting. He's so desparate at this point he'll suck your dick for a RB.
What will happen: Ass Crust should lock in their first round bye this week with a solid win. FTPP will call up his boyfriend Poop because he'll need the comforting touch of a man. Brady will throw touchdowns back and forth forever.
Final Prediction: FTPP 79 ... Ass Crust 139
Swamp Donkey (3-5) - River Rats (3-5) Cage Match of the Week
Why Swamp Donkey will win: Culter will have much better success against the Lions that Griese did. Steve Smith is one pissed off motherfucker yet again. Not to mention Willie Parker has been eating eating opposing defenses and shiting out Jerry's Kids.
Why River Rats will win: Is the NE D good enough to stop Manning? River Rats better hope not, or maybe he should since he's playing both. Talk about being fucking conflicted. How do you even root for that game? Well somehow they'll both be solid. TJ go big and wish Chad Johnson good luck with his new team next year.
What will happen: This will be like two bums kicking each others asses over a pack of smokes and a bottle of Mad Dog. Both are fighting for a spot in the playoffs, not to mention one will gain ground on FTPP this week since he will lose. This will be close. The difference will be that Steve Smith will once again be a dud without a solid QB.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 110 ... River Rats 113
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-7) - Poop (5-3)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: Curtis, Holmes and Welker will all have solid games. Garcia is improving every week and this will be a huge week for him. Rumor has it Knuckinfutz hired retarded midget hookers for Poop's team to distract them all week in practice.
Why Poop will win: Romo will face a tough Phillie D but he'll be able to pick them apart. Moss, Peterson and Gates will be the difference makers this week. The retarded midget hookers had no effect on Poop's team since they are all gay pedophiles.
What will happen: Better luck next time Knuckinfutz. Knuckinfutz has some talent and Gore isn't really getting things done lately, but I just don't see him being able to overcome Poop.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 99 ... Poop 117
E-Dub Gangsta's (1-7) - Erie Warriors (6-2)
Why E-Dub will win: This should be the week his team comes together as long as he sets the lineup, but since I have no idea what he's going to do I'll just say that Favre will get it done.
Why Erie Warriors will win: Stacked with WR talent. Anderson is quickly becoming a top QB. Word has it E-Dub's players are all high on twizzlers and popcorn balls after they went out as the Seven Dwarfs on Halloween.
What will happen: E-Dub crashes from the sugar high. Erie Warriors gives them a dirty sanchez and then finishes off with a cleveland steamer.
Final Prediction: E-Dub 75 ... Erie Warriors 111
Glass Bottom Boats (2-6) Plumbdumb (6-2)
Why Glass Bottom Boats will win: I really want to give you reasons why, but damn this is uglier than an older ladie in a scat video, which sometimes is hot.
Why Plumbdumb will win: LT and Galloway will all that he needs to win.
What will happen: Check please. Glass Bottom Boats is done. This won't be pretty. Think bloody diarhea mixed with vomit and corn nuts.
Final Prediction: Glass Bottom Boats 56 ... Plumbdumb 104
Fantasy Football Week 8 Predictions
And we're back. A week of crazy bitches, phone throwing and strippers threw this whole thing off. Now we are ready to finish out the season. Right now it's looking like a battle to be Runner Up as a certain team is running away with it, but there is a lot of football to be left and anything can happen.
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (4-3) - Swamp Donkey (3-4)
Why FTPP will win: Brees tears the 49er's apart. Westbrook pulls out his injured rib and sodomizes ADP with it.
Why Swamp Donkey will win: Eli and Burress gang rape the Dolphins. Parker answers Who Dey with We Dey.
What will happen: FTPP has some firepower but not enough to escape this matchup unscathed.
Final Predication: FTPP 92 ... SWamp Donkey 112
Ass Crust (7-0) - River Rats (3-4)
Why Ass Crust will win: No one can stop Brady. All 3 of Ass Crust's RB's have primo matchups. Wayne and Stallworth both should see solid numbers.
Why River Rats will win: Manning and TJ will have to anchor this team and will do well. Heath Miller will play havoc on the Bengals D all day.
What will happen: Ass Crust puts up the most points to date this season. His whole team rolls. River Rats get drowned.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 154 ... River Rats 101
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-6) - Plumbdumb (5-2)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: Welker has been on fire. Curtis starts and goes big again. Plumbdumb doesn't have enough depth to cover his byes.
Why Plumbdumb will win: Right now it looks like LT, Chad Johnshon and Galloway are his only hope.
What will happen: Knuckinfutz upsets Plumbdumb. Plumbdumb has some great players this week but not enough to cover his byes.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 88 ... Plumbdumb 79
Poop (4-3) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-6)
Why Poop will win: Big Ben should have plenty of opportunities against the Bengals. Peterson and Moss will have huge days.
Why E-Dub Gangsta's will win: Poop is still reeling from the ass beating he took last week. He has yet to stop crying and begging for mercy. Favre, Bush and Coles all should have excellent games.
What will happen: Poop will stop clutching his Mommies tit long enough to get his team in order and annhilate E-Dub. He'll come out swinging like a retarded kid at a pinata with grape coolaid and cheese sauce on his shirt. He'll keep swinging until he vomits on his shirt, hyperventilates and complexes on the ground while rubbing his crotch on his My Little Pony.
Final Predication: Poop 123 ... E-Dub 89
Glass Bottom Boats (2-5) - Erie Warriors (5-2)
Why GBB will win: Griese is rolling. He'll put up big against the Lions. He also doesn't want Scott to throw his phone.
Why Erie Warriors will win: Addai is back and Edwards should go big this week.
What will happen: GBB receives a rusty trombone from Erie Warriors.
Final Predication: GBB 65 ... Erie Warriors 115
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (4-3) - Swamp Donkey (3-4)
Why FTPP will win: Brees tears the 49er's apart. Westbrook pulls out his injured rib and sodomizes ADP with it.
Why Swamp Donkey will win: Eli and Burress gang rape the Dolphins. Parker answers Who Dey with We Dey.
What will happen: FTPP has some firepower but not enough to escape this matchup unscathed.
Final Predication: FTPP 92 ... SWamp Donkey 112
Ass Crust (7-0) - River Rats (3-4)
Why Ass Crust will win: No one can stop Brady. All 3 of Ass Crust's RB's have primo matchups. Wayne and Stallworth both should see solid numbers.
Why River Rats will win: Manning and TJ will have to anchor this team and will do well. Heath Miller will play havoc on the Bengals D all day.
What will happen: Ass Crust puts up the most points to date this season. His whole team rolls. River Rats get drowned.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 154 ... River Rats 101
KNUCKINFUTZ (1-6) - Plumbdumb (5-2)
Why Knuckinfutz will win: Welker has been on fire. Curtis starts and goes big again. Plumbdumb doesn't have enough depth to cover his byes.
Why Plumbdumb will win: Right now it looks like LT, Chad Johnshon and Galloway are his only hope.
What will happen: Knuckinfutz upsets Plumbdumb. Plumbdumb has some great players this week but not enough to cover his byes.
Final Prediction: Knuckinfutz 88 ... Plumbdumb 79
Poop (4-3) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-6)
Why Poop will win: Big Ben should have plenty of opportunities against the Bengals. Peterson and Moss will have huge days.
Why E-Dub Gangsta's will win: Poop is still reeling from the ass beating he took last week. He has yet to stop crying and begging for mercy. Favre, Bush and Coles all should have excellent games.
What will happen: Poop will stop clutching his Mommies tit long enough to get his team in order and annhilate E-Dub. He'll come out swinging like a retarded kid at a pinata with grape coolaid and cheese sauce on his shirt. He'll keep swinging until he vomits on his shirt, hyperventilates and complexes on the ground while rubbing his crotch on his My Little Pony.
Final Predication: Poop 123 ... E-Dub 89
Glass Bottom Boats (2-5) - Erie Warriors (5-2)
Why GBB will win: Griese is rolling. He'll put up big against the Lions. He also doesn't want Scott to throw his phone.
Why Erie Warriors will win: Addai is back and Edwards should go big this week.
What will happen: GBB receives a rusty trombone from Erie Warriors.
Final Predication: GBB 65 ... Erie Warriors 115
Fantasy Football Week 6 & 7 Predictions
These two weeks don't exist. The time was spent getting drunk, going to strip clubs, crazy bitches and throwing cell phones back and forth forever.
Fantasy Football Week 5 Predictions
Disclaimer, fairly offensive content below. If you are easily offended you are in the wrong league and should go fuck a donkey, but not Swamp Donkey, he finds love this week
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (2-2) – River Rats (2-2)
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps may win: River Rats loses their top receiver this week and doesn’t really have anyone to fill in. Pennington filled in nicely last week for Delhomme, but will have to face a thriving NY Giants defense that made McNabb look like the bitch he is last week.
Why River Rats may win: The Raven’s D should be able to finally live up to their preseason hype when they face the struggling 49er’s. Manning will be his normal self picking and choosing receivers just like he does his trannies.
What will happen: FTPP has the fire power to pull it off, but the coaching sucks. They made a terrible error last week in not backing up their starting running back. Their coach must snort blow off of hookers asses all week long to pull off something like that. River Rats doesn’t have much to hope for this week. Look for Cleveland to stop Morris. River Rats won’t have much more going offensively besides Manning. If the FTPP coach can stop banging Shetland ponies with tranny midgets on them wearing clown outfits in Amish country they’ll sail past River Rats and never look back, but that’s a big if.
Final Prediction: FTPP 111 … River Rats 74
Ass Crust (4-0) – Knuckinfutz (1-3)
Why Ass Crust may win: Carson Palmer put up over 40 points on Cleveland, look for Brady to decimate them. James should run easily through the Rams D like an oiled up 3 year old at a Nambla convention and find the end zone multiple times.
Why Knuckinfutz may win: He’s got a fat naked dude doing the wave for his logo, how fucked up is that? Matt Shaub faces a terrible Miami D. The only person that will score more this weekend than Houston on Miami is Peck’s mother. Sean Alexander should find room to run against the Steelers also known as the Super Gay Cock Gobblers. Holmes is coming off a huge week and is looking to pad those numbers.
What will happen: Three words, Ass Crust Curse.
Final Predication: Ass Crust 122 … Knuckinfutz 69
Swamp Donkey (1-3) – Plumbdumb (3-1)
Why Swamp Donkey may win: Steve Smith’s more pissed off than Mr. T’s ever been at Murdock and he’s going to prove it. He’s about ready to punch Peck’s mother in the face but he doesn’t want to risk her biting off his cock. Steve Smith will put up the points and then rape an 80 year old lady in the end zone to prove how pissed he’s off. It won’t be a loving raping but an angry bitch I’m going to break your hip raping.
Why Plumbdumb may win: As dumb as this guy wants everyone to think he is, it’s all just a façade; he’s got a PhD in Shitology and knows how to use it. Thank god McNabb’s got a bye this week because he got hammered last week. Hasselbeck will step in this week and provide some solid numbers tearing apart the Steelers. LT is going to stroll in the Bronco’s stadium, shit on the Bronco’s logo and then tear off 120 yards and 2 touchdowns, but if that doesn’t happen it’s because Bond’s used all of LT’s roids.
What will happen: Homosexual love fest. Ohio approves gay marriage and Swamp Donkey and Plumbdumb tie the knot and then tear each others up.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 107 … Plumbdumb 98
Poop (3-1) – E-Dub Gangsta’s (1-3)
Why Poop may win: Romo pulls out his man junk and shoves it down Buffalos throat. Randy Moss will be the MVP of the year and Meadows will eat ass for trading him.
Why E-Dub Gangsta’s may win: Favre told me he hates Chicago. Only thing he hates more than Chicago is Meadows ugly pear shaped ass. Dwayne Bowe pays off big this week. Reggie Bush decides mounts a Katrina Relief effort and gives the Saints a win, but not before looting the local Quickie Mart.
What will happen: Explosive diarrhea. Poop sprays down E-Dub. Romo comes out guns a blazing. Favre shows Chicago how much he hates them and Oprah, that fat pig that makes husbands miserable their entire life. Fuck you Oprah, it’s not my fault I like strippers and booze, go eat a Hostess cupcake you dirty whore!!
Final Prediction: Poop 130 … E-Dub Gangsta’s 101
Glass Bottom Boats (0-4) – Erie Warriors (3-1) UPSET ALERT
Why Glass Bottom Boats may win: Do I really have to put something here? Is it even worth it? After this week we should see a fire sale coming. However, now that I’ve actually looked at his team he has some very favorable matchups and should be able to pull off a win.
Why Erie Warriors may win: TO along with Braylon Edwards will have a big day. I’m tired and I’m not typing any more reasons.
Final Prediction: Glass Bottom Boats 107 … Erie Warrriors 102
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (2-2) – River Rats (2-2)
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps may win: River Rats loses their top receiver this week and doesn’t really have anyone to fill in. Pennington filled in nicely last week for Delhomme, but will have to face a thriving NY Giants defense that made McNabb look like the bitch he is last week.
Why River Rats may win: The Raven’s D should be able to finally live up to their preseason hype when they face the struggling 49er’s. Manning will be his normal self picking and choosing receivers just like he does his trannies.
What will happen: FTPP has the fire power to pull it off, but the coaching sucks. They made a terrible error last week in not backing up their starting running back. Their coach must snort blow off of hookers asses all week long to pull off something like that. River Rats doesn’t have much to hope for this week. Look for Cleveland to stop Morris. River Rats won’t have much more going offensively besides Manning. If the FTPP coach can stop banging Shetland ponies with tranny midgets on them wearing clown outfits in Amish country they’ll sail past River Rats and never look back, but that’s a big if.
Final Prediction: FTPP 111 … River Rats 74
Ass Crust (4-0) – Knuckinfutz (1-3)
Why Ass Crust may win: Carson Palmer put up over 40 points on Cleveland, look for Brady to decimate them. James should run easily through the Rams D like an oiled up 3 year old at a Nambla convention and find the end zone multiple times.
Why Knuckinfutz may win: He’s got a fat naked dude doing the wave for his logo, how fucked up is that? Matt Shaub faces a terrible Miami D. The only person that will score more this weekend than Houston on Miami is Peck’s mother. Sean Alexander should find room to run against the Steelers also known as the Super Gay Cock Gobblers. Holmes is coming off a huge week and is looking to pad those numbers.
What will happen: Three words, Ass Crust Curse.
Final Predication: Ass Crust 122 … Knuckinfutz 69
Swamp Donkey (1-3) – Plumbdumb (3-1)
Why Swamp Donkey may win: Steve Smith’s more pissed off than Mr. T’s ever been at Murdock and he’s going to prove it. He’s about ready to punch Peck’s mother in the face but he doesn’t want to risk her biting off his cock. Steve Smith will put up the points and then rape an 80 year old lady in the end zone to prove how pissed he’s off. It won’t be a loving raping but an angry bitch I’m going to break your hip raping.
Why Plumbdumb may win: As dumb as this guy wants everyone to think he is, it’s all just a façade; he’s got a PhD in Shitology and knows how to use it. Thank god McNabb’s got a bye this week because he got hammered last week. Hasselbeck will step in this week and provide some solid numbers tearing apart the Steelers. LT is going to stroll in the Bronco’s stadium, shit on the Bronco’s logo and then tear off 120 yards and 2 touchdowns, but if that doesn’t happen it’s because Bond’s used all of LT’s roids.
What will happen: Homosexual love fest. Ohio approves gay marriage and Swamp Donkey and Plumbdumb tie the knot and then tear each others up.
Final Prediction: Swamp Donkey 107 … Plumbdumb 98
Poop (3-1) – E-Dub Gangsta’s (1-3)
Why Poop may win: Romo pulls out his man junk and shoves it down Buffalos throat. Randy Moss will be the MVP of the year and Meadows will eat ass for trading him.
Why E-Dub Gangsta’s may win: Favre told me he hates Chicago. Only thing he hates more than Chicago is Meadows ugly pear shaped ass. Dwayne Bowe pays off big this week. Reggie Bush decides mounts a Katrina Relief effort and gives the Saints a win, but not before looting the local Quickie Mart.
What will happen: Explosive diarrhea. Poop sprays down E-Dub. Romo comes out guns a blazing. Favre shows Chicago how much he hates them and Oprah, that fat pig that makes husbands miserable their entire life. Fuck you Oprah, it’s not my fault I like strippers and booze, go eat a Hostess cupcake you dirty whore!!
Final Prediction: Poop 130 … E-Dub Gangsta’s 101
Glass Bottom Boats (0-4) – Erie Warriors (3-1) UPSET ALERT
Why Glass Bottom Boats may win: Do I really have to put something here? Is it even worth it? After this week we should see a fire sale coming. However, now that I’ve actually looked at his team he has some very favorable matchups and should be able to pull off a win.
Why Erie Warriors may win: TO along with Braylon Edwards will have a big day. I’m tired and I’m not typing any more reasons.
Final Prediction: Glass Bottom Boats 107 … Erie Warrriors 102
Fantasy Football Week 4 Predictions
Disclaimer: I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about but it sure beats the hell out of work.
You say, "Week 4 predictions already? It's only Tuesday! What the hell are you thinking. Don't you need a few days to analyze what happened last week?". I say hell no! I have work to do, or at least to fake goddammit!
This week was a crazy one. Teams made more adjustments in the last few minutes before kickoff than Scott did all year to his manzear and it paid off for some, but for others it was just a futile attempt to put off the inevitable.
Things we learned from last week:
- Glass Bottom Boats is officially the league bitch
- Knuckinfutz currently holds the worst blowout bitch slap record and should consider a name change
- River Rats, which they did win, they still love the man meat
- Ass Crust is for real
So let's get on with this train wreck shall we?
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (2-1) - Erie Warriors (2-1)
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps may win: If Delhomme plays he should put up huge numbers. Westbrook is coming off an amazing week. McGahee should put up solid numbers against Cleveland. FTPP has what looks to be some pretty soft match ups this week and should be able to capitalize on that.
Why Erie Warriors may win: Palmer has to have a huge night against NE. TO has found his groove and was rolling last week against the Bears. If Delhomme and Westbrook are out a huge advantage goes to the Erie Warriors. Also the Lions D was dominated by the Eagles last week, look for Chicago to put an even bigger hurt on them.
What will happen: Delhomme won't play and Westbrook will sit this week. McGahee will run all over Cleveland opening up the score a little. New England won't give Palmer enough time. TO will see the endzone at least twice. The Lions D will be torn apart by the Bears and the Cowboys will keep the Rams in check. This will be a close one, but you have to go with the Erie Warriors with the injuries that the Funky Town Puppet Pimps face.
Final Predication: Erie Warriors 109 ... Funky Town Puppet Pimps 98
Ass Crust (3-0) - Swamp Donkey (1-2)
Why Ass Crust may win: Brady tears the Bengals a new one(that hurt me to say). Welker gets the nod over Boldin this week and puts up solid numbers. Edgerrin James has to find and hit the holes hard against the Steelers.
Why Swamp Donkey may win: They need to start Manning, especially with a possible injury to Cutler. Parker should find plenty of room to run against a poor Arizona Defense. Although Steve smith was quiet last week, look for him to get right back into the swing of things.
What will happen: Brady, Brady, Brady. He will be all over the Bengals. It will be like pitch and catch for him in his back yard. Ass Crust's receivers will be all over their opponents putting up solid numbers. Manning will put up some decent numbers with Burress making some big plays. Steve Smith will be dangerous. It will come down to the better Defense this week and that nod has to go to the Eagles.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 124 ... Swamp Donkey 106
Knuckinfutz (1-2) - River Rats (1-2)
Why Knuckinfutz may win: River Rats, River schmatts. Manning hasn't done much to help them win. If not for Houshmandzadeh River Rat's WR's are a joke. Also, River Rats is plaqued with bye week players this week, nice planning on their part.
Why River Rats may win: Shit, I don't know. They only have one starting RB right now for this week. I guess I can say Houshmandzadeh will continue to put up decent numbers. New England will harass Rudi Johnson all day.
what will happen: Blowout of the week. Knuckinfutz owns River Rats all day long. This one doesn't even get close. Manning gives River Rats some hope but it's not enough. The glaring weakness of them shows through this week.
Final Predication: Knuckinfutz 98 ... River Rats 65
Poop (2-1) - Glass Bottom Boats (0-3)
Why Poop may win: Romo has been amazing and just keeps on rolling. Kitna will be harassed by the Bears all day long and won't get going. Glass Bottom Boats just doesn't have the depth to pull out the win.
Why Glass Bottom Boats may win: They have to. 0-4 just can't happen. They are on life support right now. The Bears D will be all over Detroit and that looks to be the only hope they have this week.
What will happen: Blowout 2 of the week. Poop comes out strong and never looks back. Romo once again puts up huge numbers. Ward will put up some decent numbers against the Eagles, however this matchup won't even be close.
Final Predication: Poop 118 ... Glass Bottom Boats 84
E-Dub Gangsta's (1-2) - Plumbdumb (2-1) Game of the Week
Why E-Dub Gangsta's may win: Favre isn't too old. Coles, Johnson and Harrison all put see a lot of touches this week. The Steelers D clamps down on Arizona.
Why Plumbdumb may win: His new logo is damn funny. So funny I refuse to write anything else about why they may win.
What will happen: E-Dub has the talent to get back to .500 this week. Plumbdumb's matchups will be too much for them to pull off this win. It will be close all day long. Favre and McNabb will be the playmakers in this weeks matchup. Look for both of them to air it out.
Final Predication: E-Dub Gangsta's 119 ... Poop 115
You say, "Week 4 predictions already? It's only Tuesday! What the hell are you thinking. Don't you need a few days to analyze what happened last week?". I say hell no! I have work to do, or at least to fake goddammit!
This week was a crazy one. Teams made more adjustments in the last few minutes before kickoff than Scott did all year to his manzear and it paid off for some, but for others it was just a futile attempt to put off the inevitable.
Things we learned from last week:
- Glass Bottom Boats is officially the league bitch
- Knuckinfutz currently holds the worst blowout bitch slap record and should consider a name change
- River Rats, which they did win, they still love the man meat
- Ass Crust is for real
So let's get on with this train wreck shall we?
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (2-1) - Erie Warriors (2-1)
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps may win: If Delhomme plays he should put up huge numbers. Westbrook is coming off an amazing week. McGahee should put up solid numbers against Cleveland. FTPP has what looks to be some pretty soft match ups this week and should be able to capitalize on that.
Why Erie Warriors may win: Palmer has to have a huge night against NE. TO has found his groove and was rolling last week against the Bears. If Delhomme and Westbrook are out a huge advantage goes to the Erie Warriors. Also the Lions D was dominated by the Eagles last week, look for Chicago to put an even bigger hurt on them.
What will happen: Delhomme won't play and Westbrook will sit this week. McGahee will run all over Cleveland opening up the score a little. New England won't give Palmer enough time. TO will see the endzone at least twice. The Lions D will be torn apart by the Bears and the Cowboys will keep the Rams in check. This will be a close one, but you have to go with the Erie Warriors with the injuries that the Funky Town Puppet Pimps face.
Final Predication: Erie Warriors 109 ... Funky Town Puppet Pimps 98
Ass Crust (3-0) - Swamp Donkey (1-2)
Why Ass Crust may win: Brady tears the Bengals a new one(that hurt me to say). Welker gets the nod over Boldin this week and puts up solid numbers. Edgerrin James has to find and hit the holes hard against the Steelers.
Why Swamp Donkey may win: They need to start Manning, especially with a possible injury to Cutler. Parker should find plenty of room to run against a poor Arizona Defense. Although Steve smith was quiet last week, look for him to get right back into the swing of things.
What will happen: Brady, Brady, Brady. He will be all over the Bengals. It will be like pitch and catch for him in his back yard. Ass Crust's receivers will be all over their opponents putting up solid numbers. Manning will put up some decent numbers with Burress making some big plays. Steve Smith will be dangerous. It will come down to the better Defense this week and that nod has to go to the Eagles.
Final Prediction: Ass Crust 124 ... Swamp Donkey 106
Knuckinfutz (1-2) - River Rats (1-2)
Why Knuckinfutz may win: River Rats, River schmatts. Manning hasn't done much to help them win. If not for Houshmandzadeh River Rat's WR's are a joke. Also, River Rats is plaqued with bye week players this week, nice planning on their part.
Why River Rats may win: Shit, I don't know. They only have one starting RB right now for this week. I guess I can say Houshmandzadeh will continue to put up decent numbers. New England will harass Rudi Johnson all day.
what will happen: Blowout of the week. Knuckinfutz owns River Rats all day long. This one doesn't even get close. Manning gives River Rats some hope but it's not enough. The glaring weakness of them shows through this week.
Final Predication: Knuckinfutz 98 ... River Rats 65
Poop (2-1) - Glass Bottom Boats (0-3)
Why Poop may win: Romo has been amazing and just keeps on rolling. Kitna will be harassed by the Bears all day long and won't get going. Glass Bottom Boats just doesn't have the depth to pull out the win.
Why Glass Bottom Boats may win: They have to. 0-4 just can't happen. They are on life support right now. The Bears D will be all over Detroit and that looks to be the only hope they have this week.
What will happen: Blowout 2 of the week. Poop comes out strong and never looks back. Romo once again puts up huge numbers. Ward will put up some decent numbers against the Eagles, however this matchup won't even be close.
Final Predication: Poop 118 ... Glass Bottom Boats 84
E-Dub Gangsta's (1-2) - Plumbdumb (2-1) Game of the Week
Why E-Dub Gangsta's may win: Favre isn't too old. Coles, Johnson and Harrison all put see a lot of touches this week. The Steelers D clamps down on Arizona.
Why Plumbdumb may win: His new logo is damn funny. So funny I refuse to write anything else about why they may win.
What will happen: E-Dub has the talent to get back to .500 this week. Plumbdumb's matchups will be too much for them to pull off this win. It will be close all day long. Favre and McNabb will be the playmakers in this weeks matchup. Look for both of them to air it out.
Final Predication: E-Dub Gangsta's 119 ... Poop 115
Fantasy Football Week 3 Predictions
Funky Town Puppet Pimps (1-1) - KnuckinFutz (1-1)
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps might win: They are gathering steam. A close quality win last week has given them a new swagger in their step. Just look at the new name and it says it all. This may be the most solid name they've had so far and we all know it's what's in a name that counts.
Why KnuckinFutz might win: Funky Town Puppet Pimps has been struggling this season to find their identity. If the team from the first week rears it's ugly head KnuckinFutz will be there to pounce on the win.
What Will Happen: Delhomme will continue to roll. Leinert will struggle against the Raven's D. Ahman Green will have a harder time getting past the Colts D this week. Randy Moss will see at least two TD's against Buffalo. If the Bengals D doesn't stiffen up Shaun Alexander will be all over the field.
Final Prediction: Funky Town Puppet Pimps 109 ... KnuckinFutz 102
Glass Butt Plugs (0-2) - Ass Crust (2-0)
Why Glass Butt Plugs might win: GBP has been struggling since week 1. They need a win badly to stop the bleeding. They put up just a measely 77 points in week one and only 97 in week 2. Also, GBP has a chance to win if Ass Crust benches there starters and starts their 2nd and 3rd string players.
Why Ass Crust might win: There is no might about it. Ass Crust is on a roll and will continue to dominate.
What Will Happen: GBP will see a glimmer of hope early on. They will get into a groove but then things will slowly disintegrate. The Bears D has looked good but Tony Romo will pick them apart. Tom Brady has been solid and he will put up big numbers against Buffalo. Reggie Wayne had a slow week last week, but look for Manning to go to him frequently to avoid the loss that Carolina received last week. The Phillie D will be back and will be hungry. Kitna will have trouble all day long. Deion Branch will continue to be a playmaker after breaking out last week.
Final Unbiased Prediction: Ass Crust 123 ... Glass Butt Plugs 99
Swamp Donkey (1-1) - River Rats (0-2)
Why Swamp Donkey might win: Don't be fooled by their loss last week. This is a solid team with lots of talent to spread the ball around. Cutler will come out big against Jacksonville.
Why River Rats might win: They struggled a bit last week, but look for Lamont Jordan and Peyton Manning to come up big in this game.
What Will Happen: Steve Smith will have another huge week along with Plaxico Burress. Manning will struggle briefly against a hungry Houston D that believes they can win. Lamont Jordon and TJ Houshmandzadeh will put up solid numbers but in the end it won't be enough to hold off Swamp Donkey.
Final Predication: Swamp Donkey 125 ... River Rats 106
Poop (1-1) ... Plumbdumb (2-0)
Why Poop might win: Last week they stumbled big time, but they'll get right back up on their feet with Frank Gore exposing the Steelers Defense as frauds and worthless pieces of dog shit. LT will struggle against a strong Packers D and won't break out until later in the season. Andrea Johnson is said to be out also which would be a big hurt on Plumbdumb's team.
Why Plumbdumb might win: If Andrea Johnson is healthy, Plumbdumb will have a solid set of receivers to go to all day long. Hasselbeck could have a solid week against a shaky Bengals Defense, plus his wife is hot and needs a batch of baby batter on her eyes.
What Will Happen: Romo will come up strong against a great Chicago D. Gore will run wild against the Steelers and Cotchery will have another big week. Chad, Future Hall of Famer, Johson will have 2 TDs and keep it close. The Bengals D will show up and put pressure on Hasselbeck all day long plus pull a train on his wife. LT will continue to struggle, but he'll see the endzone at least once this week. This will be the game of the week.
Final Tough Prediction: Plumbdumb 131 ... Poop 128
Erie Warriors (1-1) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-1)
Why Erie Warriors might win: Look for Palmer to come out strong against Seatle. T.O. may finally shut is fucking pie whole and have a huge week.
Why E-Dub Gangsta's might win: Favre is out to prove his not too old and that his brain isn't much just yet. Reggie Bush and the Saint's finally put up big numbers against the Titans.
What Will Happen: The Giants will shut down Portis, but Addai, Palmer and Owens will carry the load. Also look for ex-Michigan Wolverine Cum Dumpster Braylon Edwards to have a solid game against Oakland. E-Dub's team will struggle all day to get anything going. Favre and Bush won't get enough to get it done.
Final Predication: Erie Warriors 116 ... E-Dub Gangsta's 101
Why Funky Town Puppet Pimps might win: They are gathering steam. A close quality win last week has given them a new swagger in their step. Just look at the new name and it says it all. This may be the most solid name they've had so far and we all know it's what's in a name that counts.
Why KnuckinFutz might win: Funky Town Puppet Pimps has been struggling this season to find their identity. If the team from the first week rears it's ugly head KnuckinFutz will be there to pounce on the win.
What Will Happen: Delhomme will continue to roll. Leinert will struggle against the Raven's D. Ahman Green will have a harder time getting past the Colts D this week. Randy Moss will see at least two TD's against Buffalo. If the Bengals D doesn't stiffen up Shaun Alexander will be all over the field.
Final Prediction: Funky Town Puppet Pimps 109 ... KnuckinFutz 102
Glass Butt Plugs (0-2) - Ass Crust (2-0)
Why Glass Butt Plugs might win: GBP has been struggling since week 1. They need a win badly to stop the bleeding. They put up just a measely 77 points in week one and only 97 in week 2. Also, GBP has a chance to win if Ass Crust benches there starters and starts their 2nd and 3rd string players.
Why Ass Crust might win: There is no might about it. Ass Crust is on a roll and will continue to dominate.
What Will Happen: GBP will see a glimmer of hope early on. They will get into a groove but then things will slowly disintegrate. The Bears D has looked good but Tony Romo will pick them apart. Tom Brady has been solid and he will put up big numbers against Buffalo. Reggie Wayne had a slow week last week, but look for Manning to go to him frequently to avoid the loss that Carolina received last week. The Phillie D will be back and will be hungry. Kitna will have trouble all day long. Deion Branch will continue to be a playmaker after breaking out last week.
Final Unbiased Prediction: Ass Crust 123 ... Glass Butt Plugs 99
Swamp Donkey (1-1) - River Rats (0-2)
Why Swamp Donkey might win: Don't be fooled by their loss last week. This is a solid team with lots of talent to spread the ball around. Cutler will come out big against Jacksonville.
Why River Rats might win: They struggled a bit last week, but look for Lamont Jordan and Peyton Manning to come up big in this game.
What Will Happen: Steve Smith will have another huge week along with Plaxico Burress. Manning will struggle briefly against a hungry Houston D that believes they can win. Lamont Jordon and TJ Houshmandzadeh will put up solid numbers but in the end it won't be enough to hold off Swamp Donkey.
Final Predication: Swamp Donkey 125 ... River Rats 106
Poop (1-1) ... Plumbdumb (2-0)
Why Poop might win: Last week they stumbled big time, but they'll get right back up on their feet with Frank Gore exposing the Steelers Defense as frauds and worthless pieces of dog shit. LT will struggle against a strong Packers D and won't break out until later in the season. Andrea Johnson is said to be out also which would be a big hurt on Plumbdumb's team.
Why Plumbdumb might win: If Andrea Johnson is healthy, Plumbdumb will have a solid set of receivers to go to all day long. Hasselbeck could have a solid week against a shaky Bengals Defense, plus his wife is hot and needs a batch of baby batter on her eyes.
What Will Happen: Romo will come up strong against a great Chicago D. Gore will run wild against the Steelers and Cotchery will have another big week. Chad, Future Hall of Famer, Johson will have 2 TDs and keep it close. The Bengals D will show up and put pressure on Hasselbeck all day long plus pull a train on his wife. LT will continue to struggle, but he'll see the endzone at least once this week. This will be the game of the week.
Final Tough Prediction: Plumbdumb 131 ... Poop 128
Erie Warriors (1-1) - E-Dub Gangsta's (1-1)
Why Erie Warriors might win: Look for Palmer to come out strong against Seatle. T.O. may finally shut is fucking pie whole and have a huge week.
Why E-Dub Gangsta's might win: Favre is out to prove his not too old and that his brain isn't much just yet. Reggie Bush and the Saint's finally put up big numbers against the Titans.
What Will Happen: The Giants will shut down Portis, but Addai, Palmer and Owens will carry the load. Also look for ex-Michigan Wolverine Cum Dumpster Braylon Edwards to have a solid game against Oakland. E-Dub's team will struggle all day to get anything going. Favre and Bush won't get enough to get it done.
Final Predication: Erie Warriors 116 ... E-Dub Gangsta's 101
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)